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An Assassination attack and Domestic security Drill and Exercise by Local State and Federal Cops,
 Law enforcement and other Authorities was tried today. The Disaster
 assistance and Disaster Management people
 ran into the DNDO (Domestic Nuclear Dectection Office) after slipping on a banana peel.

Later that day, the National Preparedness, Mitigation, Prevention,
 Response, Recovery and
 Dirty Bomb team had apparently responded to
 what they thought was a Domestic Nuclear Detonation 
in the Emergency Management and Emergency response office after a first responder had explosive flatulence due 
to a bad batch of burritos.
 Homeland Security, the Maritime domain awareness (MDA) National Preparedness Initiative had first thought 
it was a militia but it only turned out to be bad gas.

Arriving on the scene, expecting a shooting or shots fired,
 they ordered an immediate evacuation.
 There were no deaths, hostages, explosives or explosions.
 There was just soiled underwear and police pants that reeked of re-fried beans.
 The Disaster Medical Assistance team (DMAT) was dispatched to ward off any elements of Organize Crime that may have tried to capitalize
 on the chaos. No Gangs were found,
 National Security was not compromised and the State of Emergency was canceled.

The only breach that was found,
 was the hole in the underwear and it was not determined to be a threat.
 People were told to standoff from the scene as Swat was doing screenings and had a lockdown of the area.
 The flatulence bomb caused a file clerk to crash into a file cabinet.
 No looting or riots were reported although someone noted that it sounded as if a plane had to make an emergency landing.
 The incident is now being called the "AssPipe Bomb"
 incident and is the only known incident of it's kind at that facility.

The Hazmat, Nuclear, Chemical Spill, Suspicious Device/Package,
 Toxic response team from the national labratory at the Nuclear Facility found no real nuclear threat.
 The Cloud, described as a plume was similar to Radiation and people acted as if it were Radioactive.
 The massive ass leak (like a biological infection) was Chemical in nature, causing Chemical burns on his sphincter. 
A biological, Epidemic of Hazardous burritos is considered a Hazardous material incident,
 or industrial spill when it smells that badly. Although no known infections occurred it was suggested that
 the culprit use some white powder on his ass. The Gas spillover probably spread to nearby furniture
 and smelled like airborne anthrax. 
It was clearly a Blister Agent
 as eyes watered like they would due to a chemical agent. Exposure like this will burn your ass cheeks.
 Thankfully it wasn't a Nerve Agent like Ricin, Sarin.
 It smelled like the entire country of North Korea.

Although the Health Concern over this Outbreak, contamination, exposure was probably due to a stomach virus causing gas evacuation 
of the bowel and subsequent ass bacteria entering the poor fella's 
shorts. One person was asked to recall the experience. He said "Ebola
 smells better". Nothing like Food Poisoning to get your day started.

The upside is that, Foot and Mouth, H5N1, Avian Flu, Salmonella,
 Small Pox and the plague don't generate such a smell. Human to Human 
contact was bad but one first responder dog passed out cold in the 
first known incident of human to animal flatulence inducing
 disorientation and fainting in a dog. The Center for Disease Control
 (CDC) the Drug Administrati0n(FDA), concerned for Public Health have 
labeled the man's ass as toxic. As it caused several plants to wilt,
 it is also a case of Agro Terror. Agriculture is usually not 
affected by ass gas, or things like Listeria but the symptoms are 
undeniable. It is believed that the common house plants in the area 
are now undergoing mutation. Some species of plants are resistant 
though. As a precaution antiviral drugs were dispensed and a wave of
 relief fell across the office. There was no pandemic infection or
 water/air borne disease to make everyone sick. The man was just a 
swine.

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